Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
Everyone was working,
Even my spouse.

The barbed wire was strung
By the chimney with care,
In hopes that the goons
Soon would breach there.

The children were nestled. To ambush the feds,
While visions of carnage
Danced in their heads.

And mama in her shemagh,
And I my boonie hat,
Had just settled in,
All prepared to clap.

When out on the lawn,
There arose such a clatter!
I sprang my my bunker,
To see what was the matter.

Away to the window. I flew like a flash,
Charged my 249. And got ready to smash.

The moon on the breast
Of the new fallen snow
Gave lustre of midday
To the objects below.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But a big Humvee and eight tiny fed queers.

The little old driver,
So lithe and so quick,
I knew in a moment:
He loves to suck dick.

More rapid than eagles,
My backup then came.
I whistled, then signaled,
And mustered them by name.

Now Michael! Now Trevor!
Now Bryan, go get them!
On Clayton! On Steven!
On Connor! Now shoot them!

To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Now fire away! Fire away!
Fire away all!

As leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle,
Mount to the sky;

So up to the rooftops,
My hoodrats they flew,
With packs full of guns,
Grenades, and meth, too.

And then, in a twinkling,
I heard from the roof,
The clatter of brass,
With gunsmoke as proof.

As I drew my own gun,
I focused on the sound.
'Twas bodies all dropping,
With each fired round.

They sprang towards the truck
Away with a whistle.
What they never saw coming,
Was our hidden TOW missle.

I heard them exclaim,
Before they drove out of sight,

• Nah. I'm just kidding.
  None survived the fight.