Okay retards, here’s the deal: exercise in only half the battle to being the glorious Viking/samurai/Spartan/sheepdog/whatever gay-ass shit you idolize. Maybe it’s even only 25% because, honestly, the biggest issue is diet. You can lift all the weights in the world but if y’a eat like shit you’re not gonna see fuck-all in results.

No, diet is not just shoveling whatever deep-fried salt-laden bullshit mummy brings down when you scream at her from your basement larpground. I’m here to give you my thoroughly unqualified, entirely anecdotal (it means personal experience, mouthbreathers) directions.

1. Calories in vs out. Weight management is math, retards. You intake caloric energy, process it, and then spend it on your somatic and autonomic nervous processes. You’re gonna want to figure out your RMR and use that to set a baseline caloric regimen for your day (3K is what the Commie faggots in government recommend). From there, it’s all about covering that plus whatever your exercise expenditure is. Yes, jacking it to porn/feet/guns/trannies counts as exercise, kind of. If you want to drop some pounds, try eating at about 500 less than you expend. It’s a good start; 1000 isn’t hard but there’s no need to rush. Use the lube of time to slide right in comfortably.

2. Macros. As in the opposite of micro, like your peen. Macros comprise three categories: fats, carbs, and protein. Yes, tendies do straddle all three categories with a decent balance but it’s BAD FAT. Think of fat like this, avocado is good fat, like meth ass and tiddies. Bacon is bad fat, like that show involving 600lb landwhales showcasing the moral failure of their obesity. Macros are personal to the person and goal but a good rule of thumb for the average male trying to cut weight and maintain/increase muscle is 40 protein, 30 fat/carb. Adjust as needed; ladies should usually run 40 fat and 30/30

3. Vitamins/minerals/fiber. These probably don’t belong in the same category, like loading my favorite caliber into a 556 barrel but I’m the author here so shut the fuck up. Vitamins are easy, just eat some Multis every morning. Minerals less so, try to incorporate spinach into as much as you possibly can. Seriously, it’s damn near flavorless when cut up and cooked so throw fresh baby spinach into soups, chili, burger patties, eggs, fucking anything. The extra iron will do you good and it’s a little fiber to boot. Beans will also help with protein, fat, and fiber. And if you don’t like beans you can move to another country, ladyboi.

4. Nutrition labels. Fucking read them; it isn’t hard to do it and the internet will tell you everything you need to know about them. Avoid trans fats, check the macro balances, and stay the actual fuck away from high sodium content and things like high fructose corn syrup. If you can build a goddamn Stoner-blessed rifle out of internet parts then you can read a label. While we’re on the subject: organic is fucking retarded. Don’t pay extra for it unless you want to proudly announce how clinically stupid you are.

5. Alcohol. It’s awesome and I have nothing negative to say about it. Mixers, on the other hand, are stupid and gay. If you like booze, drink booze. But quit cutting it with goddamn soda and fruit juice, which is worse for you than the actual fucking booze. You’d be amazed how clean and easy a vodka-soda-lime, with or without a hint of simple syrup, can actually be. Whiskey is great with a squeeze of lemon or orange.

There’s a lot here, honestly, and no way I can cover it all but these tips, in conjunction with Pt. 1, should get you faggots on your feet and moving. As before, add/subtract/argue you dumb homos.