Based Cooking Uncle loves you all and blesses this group of faggots with delicious recipes and well-wishes for tendies and poosi. I, on the other hand, think the lot of you couldn't figure out which end of the dildo went in first if your wife's boyfriend wasn't showing you. But i suppose that, so long as you love guns and America, I'll continue to try and pass on the rambling rudimentary life skills in exchange for internet points and comment autism.

So, we've discussed fitness and nutrition; I reckon it's about time we took the next step and looked at what to do should disaster strike. Whether it's spraining your wrist on Meth Monday or getting perforated when some do-badder checks your back and you were too stingy to spring for two plates, I'm here to keep you on your feet and soaking boolits in my stead. And, before we start, we can cover what goes in an IFAK after I start believing some of you retards know how to spell it, much less use what goes in one.

Before we begin, let's address sterility and I don't mean that thing the doctor called your swimmers because you spent your childhood staring at the microwave. Individuallty wrapped bandages, Isopropyl at >40% concentration, or heat all do great for sterilizing stuff. Contrary to my father's baseball advice, rubbing some dirt in it doesn't heal shit so keep your fucking supplies clean. And don't use fire to clean a bandage, retard.

1. It seems prudent to start with the obvious: GSWs. Whether you popped yourself cleaning, LARPing, or ended up getting a no-knock on your door, bullets make holes in you and that needs a-dressing. First, the good news: if you get shot you'll probably be too dead to care about it. E=1/2mv^2 and all so, yknow, expect to be rushing headlong to meet whatever retard you pray to. I'll break this down into two categories: airway compromise (suckin chest) and tissue damage.

Airway compromise: you're gonna want to address that since, yknow, breathing is important and all. Impermeable plastic is the way to go: you can slap something as simple as a fuckin sandwich bag over it so long as you hit a proper seal. Make sure to get that exit wound, if applicable. Unless you're the one who got shot and, again, refer to the dead part. Now, here's the important thing: tension pneumothorax. If blood is collecting in the lungs it's gonna be tough to breathe and takes more than a fuckin band-aid. Inserting a tube into the lung at the third intercostal space (count ribs below the collarbone and move an inch away from the sternum towards the nipple) will alleviate this. Look up how to do this shit; you don't have a lot of time to diagnose and act on it and makes people deader than Courtney Love's boyfriendvictim.

Tissue Damage: here's the scoop and I'm gonna tell it to ya. If that bullet kissed an artery then you're fuckin dead. You've got about five seconds to pop a tourniquet on that sumbitch and don't forget to twist the stick before you tie off. If it didn't you're still gonna bleed like a sumbitch and it won't be the awe part of the phrase you'll be going into. CONTROL. THE. BLEEDING. Pressure dressings are great and it's the first word that is the most important. Put pressure on, keep pressure on. If the bandage soaks through with blood DO NOT remove it, just add more on top and reapply that pressure.

2. Lacerations, Punctures, and other sharp force traumas: lol just look at the tissue damage section I aint fuckin re-typing that. One thing, though: if you have an object imbedded in you like, say, an arrow from your retard hunting buddy, don't pull it out. It's either gonna cause more damage on the way out or it might be occluding the vessel that's gonna empty your fluids all over the deck. Stabilize it with bandages around the thing and get to a sawbones.

3. Training Injuries. I'll break this down retard style in three categories: environmental, breaks, and sprains/strains/tears.

Environmental: too much or too little heat, really. In either case, stay fuckin hydrated. For heat exposure you need to get out of the fuckin sun, drink fluids slowly, and try to get some fuckin air moving over you. Don't take an ice bath or the shock will likely make you shit your pants. Unless thats your thing, in which case have at it. For cold, you're looking at hypothermia and frost bite. Get away from any water or wind, get under something to help your heat retention, and try no too warm up too much too fast. For fires, try to put them near a corner and then get in it to have that nice heat bounce all over you. Frostbite injuries need to be kept dry and covered until they can be assessed.

Breaks: Stabilize the affected limb. For arms, use a triangle bandage and secure that sumbitch to your body after splinting. Two solid sticks on either side of the break lashed together and then wrapped up is about the best you can do on short notice. For legs, splint it up and get yourself a good walkin stick bud. If both legs are broken, eat a bullet because nobody loves you enough to wipe your ass.

Sprains, etc.: RICE motherfucker. Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. Keep off it, keep it cold, keep it wrapped, and put a damn pillow under the thing. For muscle tears, just the RIC parts, as applicable. Don't put ice directly on anything, either, stupid. Wrap that shit up in cloth to avoid freeze injury. A bag of frozen peas in a kitchen towel works wonders.

Okay, I need more paint thinner and lemonade and, honestly, I doubt any of you retards even got this far. Remember to buy more gucci gear so I can loot it off your useless corpse. Stay drunk faggots.