Sigs and Glocks both suck.

Sigs feel nice, but they’ll shoot your dick off. I like my dick, I want to keep my dick.

Glocks are safe and effective (for real though), but they feel like ass. Like a wildly hairy gay man’s ass. I want no part of that.

CZs are where it’s at. They’re like those fine Eastern European smoke shows you see walking down the Victoria Secret runway in the 90s. They’re just expensive (worth it).

Walthers are cool, like James Bond. Chicks dig James Bond.

Smith and Wessons are like that sweet, busty American farm girl. She will suck you off and then bake you a pie. Truly the perfect package.

Rugers are like an older farm mom. She might not be as fun and adventurous as S&W, but damn she’s reliable and awesome.

Springfield simply doesn’t exist in my world.

Imagine if Hunter Biden wasn’t the president’s son and had to actually work for a living. He’d probably run an operation like Kel-Tec. Don’t do drugs kids.

I’m too poor to afford HK, so fuck em.

I’m too poor for FN, so fuck em.

I’m not poor enough to buy Taurus or Hi-Point, so fuck them too.

If I missed any, well then they’re not important enough to matter (cough Canik).