It’s depressing as shit that I have to vote to keep my rights. It’s become clear to me over the years that most people are retarded.

And when I say “retarded”, I’m not talking about you beautiful, crayon-eating, hold my beer, look what I can do, WeekendGunnit type retards. That is freedom. The freedom to enjoy a silly break from your daily grind. I know you fine folks are all competent individuals that get shit done in the real world.

Im talking about people with legit mental disabilities. The kind of people you have to help go to the bathroom. The ones that are always drooling. The ones that are addicted to TV, and can’t think for themselves. The ones that need to be kept calm with ice cream, so they don’t say embarrassing things about Cornpop or grope a minor. These people are terrified that they will be publicly outed as incompetent. They go out of their way to do things that look good, but accomplish nothing. It’s all hollow, form over function, bullshit that only makes temporary happy emotions. “Look at me, I did a thing. I’m smart. I’m definitely not retarded. Please don’t look too closely…” Those are the retards pulling the levers of power today.

So I’m sad about the state of the world right now, frens….

As bad as things are now, do you know what makes it worse? I just bought a fucking used minivan... And in this economy I’m paying 9% for the privilege to drive this stinky, piece-of-shit, miniature school bus.

So my important questions for this month are:

What should I do with the damn van?
Can I make it a technical?
Is my life over?
Should I end it all? If so, what is the best caliber for blowing my brains out?

Let me know, frens. ;)

Final note: Please take the time to vote for the least-retarded option on your ballot. It might not help, but it can’t hurt either.